Trusing the Lords timing

If there is one thing that I have learned in my life it is that the Lord's timing is not mine.  Learning to trust that timing has been a struggle of mine.  I tend to be a control freak.  I want to be in control of everything that happens in my life, when it happens, where it happens, you get the idea.  So when things are thrown in my path that aren't what I had planned I start to freak out just a little bit.

For a few months I had been getting the impression that our family wasn't complete.  As much as I tried to convince myself that I couldn't do another pregnancy or baby like Hunter, I knew that is not what the Lord had for me.  So I bargained with myself, and after letting the husband know what I was feeling, we decided that in the fall we'd start trying to get pregnant.  That way we'd have a summer baby and there would be NO WHERE I had to be in the mornings.  If I had a rough night with a newborn, no biggie, no one had to get up and go to school.  We could all be lazy and Carter is oh so good at making oatmeal or getting kids a bowl of cereal.

That apparently was not what the Lord had in mind for us. In March I found out I was pregnant.  I may have swore and then puked.  What BAD timing!!  We were doing all we could to prevent this kind of thing from happening knowing that our lives would soon take a drastic change with a possible move to TX coming.  (we didn't know then that he had been accepted)  The thought of being pregnant while trying to get a house ready to sell, then moving, and then Trent in school was horrifying to me. I don't do pregnant very well (although better than some)  I get pretty sick, dry heave all day long, food grosses me out, can't eat, can't drink, and yet I still manage to gain 40+lbs with each pregnancy. Trent's first semester of school we had been hearing would be the worst!  There are few who don't make it and fail out.  He'd be in school from 7am-4pm and then study time after till 9pm each night.  There are no days off, he must be there each day.

When I first learned that I was pregnant I figured my due date would be Nov 2nd, according to all my dates.  I went in to my first appointment with the Midwife when I thought I was 9 weeks along. She did a quick ultrasound and could not detect a heart beat and wanted to send me in for a better ultrasound. I was slightly relieved, and slightly disappointed too.  I decided that what ever happens with this pregnancy I would be ok with.  I didn't want to tell any one about it, in fact I didn't even tell Trent about it till the week before I went to my first appointment.  I told him we had a very small problem right now that had the potential to grow in to an 8lb screaming problem :)  He was sweet about it and said, no it's no problem at all. 

I went to the ultrasound 3 days after that first appointment. The tech who did the ultrasound probably thought I was a nut case.  She pulled up the picture, and I could tell there was something in there, but couldn't really tell what I was seeing. So I asked her what any rational person does "is it alive?"  She looked at me like I was crazy, and then told me that indeed it was, but we had our dates all messed up. Instead of  the then 10 weeks I thought I was I was only 7.  My due date, the day before Thanksgiving.

I suppose if the Lord wants me to have a child right now He has made it possible for this baby to arrive when Trent will have 1 day, possibly 2, off of school, with a weekend too.  I suppose I need to work on my faith a little more and put my trust in the Lord. I don't know why that is so hard for me, probably because I have serious control issues.

I went to the midwife again today, I am 16 weeks,  and she couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler and had to get the hand held ultrasound thing (technology, seriously!)  Baby was there, kicking away heart beating, however it's position made it impossible to tell what it was, so I suppose we'll just have to wait for 4 more weeks.  Kids all think and want a baby sister. As soon as I can pull my head out of the toilet (well sink, I won't throw up in the toilet) maybe I too can get as excited as they are.  I'm still in a little shock, denial maybe.  But ever grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows exactly what He is doing and allows us the opportunity to learn and grow each day.